Tuesday, March 24, 2009

"Fly, My Monkeys, Fly"

Obama is getting his grassroots (I don't think that word means what he thinks it means) to get his message out as if the TV, print, and internet medium isn't enough.

In what’s shaping up to be a different kind of permanent campaign than is usually waged by Washington’s political consultants, thousands of volunteers across the country took to the streets over the weekend at Obama’s behest. They knocked on doors, stood in front of stores to collect signatures, and urged their neighbors to call their congressman.

With this canvassing operation, the Obama administration is taking traditional presidential strategies for building public support to a whole new level.


The Obamanaughts have their orders. Here are yours:

  • Be welcoming and friendly. "Oh, I'm so glad you came by!" Invite them in, ask them to have a seat. Be the gracious host and offer them snacks and beverages. Assure them that you will do anything to help Obama.

  • Remember your Prime Objectives. Your objectives are (a) to waste the maximum amount of the Obamanoid volunteer's time, and (b) to ensure that, when they eventually leave, they are as demoralized as possible. Only by intense concentration on these twin objectives can you be fully successful.

  • Assure them that you are a loyal Democrat who voted for Obama. The fact that your address is on their clipboard list means that somehow, somewhere along the line, you clicked a link or signed up for something that makes them think you're one of them. Do nothing to spoil this valuable illusion.

  • Express extreme disappointment with the president's disastrous beginning in office. You are disappointed -- nay, you are heartbroken beyond words -- by Obama's failure to fulfill his campaign promises of balancing the budget, cutting taxes, etc. You sincerely admire Obama, but are certain that there must be some bad advisors at the White House, or some evil influences among congressional Democrats, who have led Your Dear Leader astray. (Bonus points for you ladies if you can actually work yourself into a crying jag.)

  • Draw them out. When you mourn that Obama is destroying the Democratic Party (and remind them again that you have devoted your life to being a loyal Democrat, of course) the Obamanoids will protest to the contrary. Let them talk. Hear them out. Waste their time. Engage them. "Let me get you some more sweet tea, dear . . ." And then find some new angle of attack.

  • Be specific. Try to point out specific instances of Obama policies that will hurt women, minorities, the elderly, gays, etc. If you've got an elderly relative who's had his retirement savings wiped out by the market decline, make sure you blame Obama for that, and don't let the clipboard carriers persuade you that it's all Bush's fault.

  • Know where to put the knife. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will guarantee a long rant from an Obamanoid as much as when you compare Obama to George W. Bush. "I can't believe it! I've been a Democrat all my life, and I never thought I'd live to see a Democrat president doing this to decent, hard-working Democrats like me. He's ruining my life! It's like he's a closet Republican or something. He's just like that damn George Bush!"

  • Save your best for last. When, after you have wasted as much of his time as possible, the Obamanoid finally looks at his watch and says he must leave, be apologetic. "I'm sorry if I've been a little negative." Try to get the Obamanoid's contact information, "just in case I need to talk to you again." And as you walk them to the door, express regret that they are being "forced to work for those damned bastards" who have backstabbed Obama and are destroying the Democratic Party that you have supported your entire life. And then . . .

Read the rest to find out the killing thrust.

UPDATE: Virginia is on notice.

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