Thursday, July 2, 2009

How Lady GaGa Was Signed

Akon: So you are Lady GaGa?

Lady GaGa: Yes, I am.

Akon: And I should sign you up as your own act because?

Lady GaGa: Well, Britney is a has been. She has kids to feed and an ex-husband to support. I don't have that much baggage.

Akon: So, Britney is still a big act. As a performer, how can you one up her?

Lady GaGa: Well, I can have three kids by three different dancers. But that would mean having to find 3 straight male danc--

Akon: No, not that. I mean, performance wise. Are you better than Britney?

Lady GaGa: I'm a better singer than she--

Akon: Look. When I say performer, what I really mean is, do you have a good body? If my label if fronting money for a big budget video, I'm going to want you in a leather bra and assless chaps.

Lady GaGa: Oooh. Well, I'm no Jessica Simpson--

Akon: *whispering* who is?

Lady GaGa: -- but yes, I do have a better body than Britney. And a good plastic surgeon on retainer for a boob job.

Akon: Okay, and --

Lady GaGa: I also have this.

Akon: What's that?

Lady GaGa: People call me a cypher. I have an entire stable of blank stares I give that can mean anything. The public projects what they want the stare to mean.

Akon: I see what you mean

Lady GaGa: See, check this one out.

Lady GaGa: And this.

Lady GaGa: And this

Lady GaGa: And this.

Akon: Hold it, hold it, hold it. I see what you mean. I want to make sure we are on the same page. We want to sell songs and tickets. In order for you to do that, you need to be the next big thing. Bigger than Britney. She started out as a Mouseketeer and ended up making out with Madonna onstage. That's what I'm looking for. Some young girl to sell out her soul only to be dumped 5 years later for the next hot young thing with firmer breasts, a mediocre voice and who is willing to do anything that is asked of her. So much so that Britney dancing with a python will appear tame. What can you do?

Lady GaGa: I am perfectly willing to have sex on stage with a goat if need be.

Akon: That's what I like to hear. Although you won't need to do that. Yet.

Lady GaGa: Or a Llama.

Akon: Okay I get--

Lady GaGa: Or Rosie O'Donnell

Akon: Whoa. No need to go that far. I don't want to jump ahead. Marketing has figured an act like that is about three pop tarts away from where we are now. How much farther are you willing to go beyond Britney? What will you do to one up her?

Lady GaGa: THIS!

Akon: That will do nicely. Sign here.


  1. Whoa! Not that far!

    Great post!

    Have a sweet 4th of July holiday!

  2. This is effin' brilliant (and probably not too far off the mark). That a creature like GaGa (isn't that the sound a baby makes after puking up strained carrot mash?) could become "somebody" overnight is more of a depressant than MJ's entire stash of Demerol™.